


If We Were Gay

by dadvenom, sourcheeks



Category: Ninja Sex Party - Fandom
Genre: Characters to be added, Homophobic Language, M/M, Ninja Ship Party, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Trans Male Character, transphobic language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-06-01 18:19:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6530911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dadvenom/pseuds/dadvenom, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sourcheeks/pseuds/sourcheeks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Dan drops out of the United International Ninja School to pursue his music career, his parents hire elite ninja Ninja Brian to keep an eye on him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Brian's a Ninja, Danny's a Hot Jew

**Author's Note:**

> boner

“I don’t need a _babysitter_!” Dan was pacing his room, yelling at a ninja. “I mean, of all the un-fucking-believable _bullshit_ my parents would pull… I can’t even… why would they do something like this? I’m an adult! I can handle myself!” He tugged at his hair, trying to ground himself. “God, would you just fucking say something? You’re driving me crazy.”

The ninja didn’t answer. He just handed Dan a manila envelope. Danny didn’t open it, throwing it down onto the bed. Bullshit. Fucking ninja paperwork, who wanted to deal with that? Not Danny. He’d abandoned ninja training in favor of music. He’d thought he was done with this. He grumbled, pacing the room irritably until Brian left. Maybe he was talking to Dan’s parents. Well. ‘Talking’.

Dan sat on his bed, opening up the envelope Brian had given him.

 

**UNITED INTERNATIONAL NINJA SCHOOL**

**SUBJECT: Brian Wecht**

**BELT LEVEL: Blackest**

**SKILLS: Running along tops of trees, extensive weapons training, blending into the night like a shadow, physics, can sleep with his eyes open, laser eyes**

**AGE AT ENROLLMENT: [DATA EXPUNGED]**

**AGE AT GRADUATION: [DATA EXPUNGED]**

**RANKING: Valedictorian**

**PHYSICAL HEALTH ISSUES: None**

**ASCRIBED FIELD: Bodyguard/Assassin**

 

Huh. Didn't even give the UINS his age. Whenever he’d graduated, he’d done it top of his class. Which, you know, whatever. Lots of people had natural skills. Dan refused to be impressed by this guy. He just refused, it wouldn’t happen. Even if the air of cool calmness he exuded made Dan want to shatter it, even if it ended in blood and/or tears from one or both of them. Even if he was already thinking of ways to make him break his vow of silence or take off his mask. It didn’t matter, he still didn’t care.

He wouldn’t complain. But only because he knew how hard it was to find people like Brian for hire, and only because he knew his parents just wanted to help him.

Dan was totally still a better ninja.

+

This _fucking_ kid. If the Avidan’s weren’t paying him so much he’d have left the second the little shit started yelling. He didn’t even need protection: Brian had read the kid’s file, and he got Blackest Belt when he was _fifteen_. He was getting paid to make sure a grown man didn’t do anything stupid.

“He wants to go to Philadelphia, to pursue his music career,” Mrs. Avidan was saying. _Figures,_ Brian thought, _thinks he’s gonna be a rockstar._

Brian nodded gravely, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. If that was how he was gonna be, that was how he was gonna be. It was Brian’s job to make sure he didn’t get hurt. He was pretty sure Dan could take care of himself, but the way his parents were talking it was less of a problem of if he _could_ and more of a problem of if he _would_. Brian knew how this sort of thing went down. Besides, he could use the work, he supposed. It was surprisingly hard for ninjas to get jobs in this economy. The Avidans thanked him profusely, and Brian awkwardly accepted the hug Mrs. Avidan pulled him into. Of course Danny was still sulking when he found him again.

“So. Blackest belt, huh?” Danny managed to stay quiet for approximately 6.4 seconds in the face of Brian’s silence. “How old are you? It didn’t say in your file.”

Brian crossed his arms, arching an eyebrow.

“Do you ever take that mask off?”

Brian shook his head.

Danny’s eyes lit up, and he leaned forward, cupping Brian’s cheek. “I bet you’re really pretty under there,” he began. If Brian wasn’t supposed to protect him, he’d shatter the kids hand. Honestly. He was trying to seduce a ninja. As it was, he just pushed his hand away.

Danny pouted, sighing. “Fine, be that way. But you have to take it off sometimes. Eating? Sleeping? Showering?” Brian shook his head. Dan made a disgusted face and said, “Ew! You don’t shower?”

Brian didn’t bother resisting rolling his eyes this time. He kept his arms crossed, walking right past Dan to examine the trinkets on his nightstand. Simple stuff. A tiny stuffed dragon. Empty cups. A plate of condoms. A memo pad. Danny was still ranting about how he was an adult. Brian unwrapped one of the condoms, stretched it out, and shot it at Danny's face. Danny froze, nose scrunching up.

“And another thing!” he shouted after a moment, shoving a finger in Brian's face. “You think you can just march in here and… and… aw, fuck it. Help me pack?”

  
Shockingly, Dan didn't have much stuff. Everything he owned fit in two suitcases and a duffel bag. While they were going to load everything into the car, Brian grabbed the plate of condoms on a whim. After some tearful goodbyes between Dan and his parents, and a stilted, awkward hug between him and his sister, Danny was all too grateful to get in the car. He sang along loudly and obnoxiously to the radio, holding the plate of condoms in his lap while Brian drove. Brian huffed a short breath through his nose.

This was gonna be a long drive.


	2. Do You Ever Think About Your Life and Just How Stupid You Are?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's up you fucking pussies  
> you are correct, there totally was a chapter before this, but i wasn't comfortable with the dubcon, so we hope you're as fond of this one as you were the the other one

"I’m hungry.” Danny said as he walked out of the bathroom. He was wearing nothing but a low-slung towel.

Brian didn’t even flinch. 

“What do you want?”  Speedo-clad Danny asked, strangely, getting on his knees to rummage through his suitcase. “Do you even eat?” He squinted as he sat up, shrugging on a blue kimono. 

They had stopped off at a roadside motel for the night at Danny’s insistence (Brian could’ve driven for several days straight, but Danny complained about not being able to sleep properly in a car.  _ Some fucking ninja _ , Brian thought.) 

Brian nodded. Of course he ate. Dumbass kid. Dan threw something at him, a bundle of cloth. 

“You've been wearing that same outfit for, like, ever,” Dan explained. 

Brian unfolded the bundle, revealing a dark gold kimono patterned with light yellow flowers. He shrugged it on over his ninja suit. Danny made an exaggerated gagging noise. 

“Ew, you aren't gonna change?”

Brian stared blankly at Danny until Danny got fed up and sighed, rubbing his temples. “Fine, don’t talk, whatever. I’m gonna get a taco-join me or don’t.  _ Whatever. _ ” He left out the motel room door without jacket or anything, just a speedo and a kimono. What a guy. Brian followed him out.

They ended up at a Taco Bell, because apparently Danny was that kind of straight boy. The two of them were getting looks. No wonder. Brian was still in his ninja suit, as well as Danny’s yellow kimono, and Dan was in a Speedo with a comically large bulge and an open kimono. 

A little boy walked over and gave Danny a napkin. “Can I have your autograph?” Maybe Dan was famous and Brian didn’t know, but it was more likely this kid was just dumb.

Dan didn’t seem to mind. He scrawled his name and a poorly drawn Star of David on the napkin before passing it to Brian. Brian stabbed it, then passed the napkin, now dripping ketchup-scented blood, back to the little boy. The boy was delighted.

“Cool!” he said, pronouncing a minimum of ten o’s. A concerned-looking woman emerged from the bathroom, picking him up.

“Honey, what are you doing?”

“Mommy, the superhero men signed my napkin!” the little boy squealed. The mother smiled, apparently thinking it was cute that he thought Danny and Brian were superheroes.

“Thank you two. Sorry about him.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Dan scrawled something else on a different napkin. Brian read it upside down and slightly diagonally. A phone number. “Here’s another signature, just for you.” 

He passed it to the mom, who didn’t seem comfortable with it. She frowned down at the napkin, then the ring on her finger, then the woman at a table near the window. Brian scooted closer to Danny, wrapping his arm around Dan’s skinny waist and resting his head on Dan’s bony-ass shoulder. Seriously, for a guy who apparently ate as much as he did he had no mass to him. Dan squawked, trying to squirm out of Brian’s grip. The mom giggled.

“I just might call you.” Brian had a feeling not for the reasons Dan wanted. She picked up her son, carrying him to their table.

“Dude!” Dan pushed him off, and Brian let him. “Gross!”

Brian stroked Dan’s thigh sensually, making prolonged and intense eye contact.

Dan groaned with what was presumably great lust and not embarrassment and frustration, covering his eyes. When he opened them again, Brian’s burrito was gone and he had crumbs on his face. Dan looked from him to the empty wrapper disbelievingly. “But… you… how… okay, so you  _ do  _ eat. Do you shower? Ooo, do you keep the mask on when you shower? I bet it’s super grody under there.”

Brian gripped the top of his mask, pulling it away slowly to reveal…

...another mask.

“Aw, c’mon, man!” Danny protested. “Okay, fuck this, let’s go.” 

He stood, throwing away his wrapper. Brian followed suit, then took Dan’s hand as they were exiting the restaurant. Dan yanked his hand away.

“Dude, what’s wrong with you?” He glared. “Look, I’m  _ not gay _ , alright? So stop hitting on me! I’m  _ not interested _ , comprende?”

Brian rolled his eyes. Of course Danny thought that he couldn’t do any better than a whiny man-child with a clothing issue and denial the size of his obviously fake bulge. 

Once they got back, Dan flopped onto the motel bed, moaning dramatically. Brian lay down beside him, perfectly rigid. Danny curled up to his side, tucking his head under Brian's chin.    
"No homo, okay? I'm just cold."   
Oh, Dan was definitely gay.


	3. Ninja Brian’s Gay (And So is Danny, a Little Bit)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit cocks, this is super late.  
> sorry, the end of the year got lazy and we just sort of...forgot

Dan woke up with a warm, immobile mass beneath him. He yawned at sat up, looking over at Brian. His eyes were closed. Danny reached out. He would just take one peek under the mask.

Brian grabbed his wrist and slammed him face-first onto the bed.

“Owwww, oww! Leggo!” Danny flailed, long limbs sticking out in every direction. He felt Brian’s hand move, pinning him by the space between his shoulder blades. It hurt significantly less, so he stopped flailing, but instead started pouting up at Brian over his shoulder. Brian just stared down at him with those creepy intense eyes. Danny closed his own. “I so cannot deal with your stupid face right now.” Stupid eyes. Ugh. Whatever. 

Brian let him up and Danny flopped back against the headboard. When Brian slotted himself under Dan’s arm, he bit his lip to keep from complaining. Brian could and probably would hurt him. Instead Dan turned on the TV.

Of course, because Brian was an asshole, he kept one hand on Danny’s thigh, tracing absent circles. Maybe Danny was a  _ little tiny iota distracted _ by that. He was only human, what? He ignored Brian’s hand, instead making it something of a point to stare at the pretty, currently swimwear-clad girl on the shitty motel television screen. 

It didn’t really matter because Brian was doing his own staring, at the buff dude who Danny thought from context was maybe the girls’ broth - oh, no, they were making out. He hoped it wasn’t her brother. Danny looked away, a little uncomfortable, and that’s when he noticed Brian staring. “She’s pretty, huh?”

Brian shrugged, not disagreeing so much as informing Danny that he wasn’t exactly looking at her.

“Oh. Uh, I guess the dude is handsome, but… the staring is kind of gay, bro.” Brian gave him a look. Dan immediately started backpedaling. “Not - not that there’s anything wrong with that!” he added hastily, his voice a little too high. Brian smirked under the mask. Dan had no way of knowing that other than the mask shifted and it just seemed like an appropriate response to the situation. 

The dude  _ was _ handsome, with broad shoulders and really, really nice arms… Danny shook his head, turning off the TV. 

“Let’s do something else. Something fun!”

Brian arched an eyebrow, sitting up. He thought torturing Danny was pretty fun. He was pretty sure his new ward wouldn’t exactly go for that, though. Shame.

“We could, um…” Danny chewed on his lower lip thoughtfully. “Oh! We could go to the park. That sounds fun.” Brian pointed to Dan’s bare legs, then to his suitcase. Danny sighed. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll get dressed,  _ Dad. _ ”

Dressed for Dan apparently meant orange briefs over blue leggings and a leather vest. Brian really preferred the kimono - it at least was something that people wore, even if Dan  _ really  _ needed to close the damn thing. He didn’t even try to make Danny change, just left the motel room presuming Dan would catch up. 

“Hey, wait for me!” Dan whined, scrambling to catch up. “God, don’t be such a dick. I’ve got enough to deal with right here.” He gestured to his crotch. Brian pushed him into a bush. 

“Ow, _Christ,_ dude, don't fuck up my face!” Dan whined, climbing out of the bush and dusting himself off. Brian rolled his eyes. There was a fair sized rip in the left side of his leggings, and Dan had started to pull at it.   
A really _strange_ fucking accent laughed and said, “Nice one, shit head.” 

Dan, holding his leg, whirled around, lost his footing, and fell into the bush. 

“Woah! You need help Den?” The man said, reaching out a hand to pull Dan up. Dan oddly lurched back into the bush at the weird mispronunciation of his name, and Brian had to step over to pull him up. 

When he was finally on his feet and out of the bush, Dan, with his head down, mumbled, “Hey, Jim.”

“Jesus, Denna, I didn’t think you’d go this far with it.” Jim said, almost in awe. 

Brian looked between them. Dan looked embarrassed for the first time since Brian met him, and the kid had done a  _ lot  _ of shit he should be embarrassed about. 

“Shut the fuck up, Jim.” Dan breathed. Jim held his arms up defensively.

“You don’t have to get mad! I’m just...shocked. You used to be  _ so pretty- _ ”

Dan suddenly grabbed Brian’s arm and started speed walking away, and Brian didn’t stop him. 

“That asshole,” Dan hissed. “I’m gonna fucking kill him, I swear… can’t he even see that I’m…” Dan took a deep breath. He looked like he was about to cry. 

Brian raised his eyebrow but didn’t say anything (obviously.) Dan shuddered, wiping his eyes. 

“Sorry. That guy's an asshole, just… forget about him.”

Even if Brian  _ could  _ have forgotten about him, he would have no such luck, because a second after Dan finished speaking the guy was right back up to them, stammering apologies.

“Sorry, Denna, I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you in front of your, um, boyfriend, I really didn’t, I just… I mean, look at you! Can you blame me?” 

“Go to hell,” Dan snarled, shoving Jim. “Just. Leave me alone. Go to hell.”

“Hey! Uh, the beard’s really nice! Nice stubble…” It was apparent now that Jim was trying hard to save face. “Sorry, I don’t mean to embarrass you. Where are you and your boyfriend headed to?”

“Jersey.” Dan said, walking away.

Brian noted that, for the first time, someone had challenged Dan’s heterosexuality and he hadn’t said a word about it. Who was this kid? Brian cast a glance over his shoulder as he and Dan walked. 

“Wait! Uh…”

“Get on with it Jim.” Dan spat.

“Where-where in Jersey?” 

Dan stopped walking. 

“...Jersey?”

“Well, yes, Jersey, but  _ where in Jersey?”  _ Jim questioned. Dan looked confused. “There-there are different parts of New Jersey, De- _ Dan. _ ” Jim covered his fuck up with a cough. 

Looking at Dan’s face, Brian realized two things:

  1. Dan didn’t know New Jersey was a state.
  2. Dan didn’t actually have a destination in mind.



“Oh.” Dan looked pretty reasonably embarrassed. “ _ Shit. _ ” He whispered under his breath. He turned to Brian. “Well, B, looks like we’re gonna have to think up a new plan.” He grabbed Brian by the forearm and yelled over his shoulder as they ran, “Later, Jim! Don’t try to fucking find me, dickhead!”  


	4. Ninja Brian, Pack Your Bags, We're Going On A Cross Country Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the plot thickens  
> or at least it widens

“‘Newark is the largest city in the U.S. state of New Jersey, and the county seat of Essex County.’” Dan read aloud. As soon as they got back to the motel Dan looked up New Jersey, and was now reading off a list of its cities. Brian was as worked up as he could be (sitting calmly beside Dan on the bed,) having thought back to what Dan’s mom told him before they left. 

_ “He wants to go to Philadelphia, to pursue his music career.” _

Dan had absolutely no fucking idea where they were going. Brian thought about stabbing him. He knew Danny couldn’t actually die, courtesy of the blackest belt. But it was an appealing thought, especially when Dan draped himself over Brian’s lap, poking Brian in the face with his phone. 

“Hey, are you listening to me?”

_ No _ , Brian thought.

“Come on, you’re driving, pay attention.” Dan continued reading the list when Brian thought about how satisfying it’d be to rip his tongue out. Or just to have Dan give him a blowjob.

What? It had been literally years, Brian was extremely sexually repressed.

“Brian, c’mon, you’re not even listening!” Dan pouted, stomping his foot. God, he was really just a huge toddler. Like,  _ huge.  _ Six feet something? Fuck, how tall was he? He was about a head taller than Brian, at least. Brian wondered how big his dick was. It wasn’t like Danny kept that shit covered 24/7, but Brian hadn’t actually  _ seen  _ it. 

“BRIAN!” Dan shouted. Brian thrust a knife into his ribs, y’know, in surprise. “FUCK! Oh fuck, oh fuck ohsweettittyshittingfuck  _ it’s in my ribs.  _ Where did it even come from?!” 

Brian shrugged. 

Dan groaned, pulling the bloody knife from his ribs. “What the shit, was listening to me that boring?”

Brian nodded. Yes, listening to him was that boring. He wanted to puke, really. 

Dan huffed, straightening up and whipping his shirt off, a neat-looking knife hole added to the already impressive scars on his chest. Brian absently wondered exactly how many people had gone for that kill shot. “I’m gonna go get a damn bandage. You’re such an asshole, you’re supposed to be my bodyguard.”

Brian flipped him off and Dan just groaned, stomping to the bathroom and waving his bloody hands as he ranted about how much of a jerk Brian was. Brian supposed he deserved it. He did, in fact, technically stab his ward. He wiped the blood on his knife and hands off onto his pants, stretching. Now that Dan was done droning he could finally figure out where they should actually go. Not that he had the best method. Brian picked up Dan’s phone and scrolled through the list, stopping it at random. Monroe Township, New Jersey. Sounded great. He tossed the phone to Dan when he returned from the bathroom with a butterfly bandage over his knife wound. Dan giggled when he looked at the list. 

“We’re going to Middlesex county?” 

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose. He was already starting to regret this. But Dan was headed towards the door, clearly excited. 

“Come on, let’s go!”

Brian grabbed a fistful of Dan’s Jew fro, stopping him in his tracks, and shoved a shirt at him. If Danny was making sex jokes all the way to New Jersey, he would make them while fully clothed. Brian did have some standards.

“I never knew you were into hair pulling,” Danny joked, shrugging on the shirt and shaking his mane out. “That’s some kinky shit, Ninja Bri.”

It wasn’t. That didn’t even register as kink on the list of kinky shit Brian was into. But he wasn’t about to correct Dan. He just shrugged and pushed past him out the door, grabbing the car keys. 

Dan jogged alongside him - which Brian thought was unnecessary as he was walking at a normal pace and Dan’s legs were much longer than his - one hand over his wound. It probably wasn’t even bleeding anymore, Brian hadn’t even reached the heart. What a baby. 

“So, let’s go to Middlesex. What a stupid name. Who ever thought of naming a county  _ Middlesex _ ? So dumb. Right, Bri? Right?” Dan elbowed Brian in the side, grinning. Brian wouldn’t even dignify that with a response if he could talk, but that didn’t affect Dan. “Hey, Bri, bet you’d like to get in the middle of some sex, huh? That wasn’t even a good pun, I’ll think of something better. How long has it been for you, huh? That vow of chastity is intense, dude. One of the reasons I left -  _ ow _ ! Brian!” Dan groaned, pulling the shuriken from his jugular. “What is with you today? Jesus, you’re more sexually repressed than I thought.”

Brian flipped Dan off and got into the driver’s seat.

“Fine, be that way.” Dan huffed and pulled his hair up so it wouldn’t get blood in it. “I oughta get you a girl, huh? Maybe then you’d be less of a dick.” 

Brian gave him a Look.

“Or, boy, sorry. I keep forgetting you’re queer. Gay ninjas, right? Weird.” Dan’s lip curled. “I can’t believe they let you in.” 

Brian was almost offended, but… Dan didn’t sound disgusted so much as jealous. What the hell did Dan have to be jealous of? Being queer? Dan wouldn’t last a day. Vows of silence? Dan wouldn’t last a  _ minute _ . Just when Brian thought he was figuring the guy out.

Or, maybe Dan had been kicked out, and Brian had just been lead to believe that he’d left of his own volition. He glanced at Dan out of the corner of his eyes. Dan made him want to do a lot of things - a few sexual, but mostly violent. But this was the first time Dan had made him want to break his vow of silence.

What the fuck did Dan to get kicked out of UINS? That was, as far as Brian knew, unprecedented. Goddammit. Why couldn’t he just get assigned to some normal straight kid, one who didn’t make Brian question his entire institution?

That being said Brian was definitely looking up people who had been expelled.


	5. The Ultimate Sandwich

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Brian get lunch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the obvious segue at the end of the next chapter was Brian finding out Dan's secret. Right?  
> Yeah, it was. Too bad I took a break from writing and got inspired by Ultimate Sandwich instead.

“‘The Ultimate Sandwich. Five feet high and three feet wide, no one’s ever eaten the whole thing and survived. Served on wheat bread. Comes with a bucket of ranch. Made by a demon in his kitchen of pain,” Dan read aloud. Brian was pretty sure he made that last part up. Dan hummed curiously, chewing on his straw. “Sounds like fun.”

Brian gave Dan a look that he hoped transmitted the fact that he would most likely die. It was not very effective, apparently.

“Hello, sirs, may I take your order?” Their waitress, a chipper young woman with a streak of blonde in her dark hair and a name that read SUZY, beamed at them, seeming unaffected by Brian’s mask and Dan’s open kimono. 

“I’ll have the Ultimate Sandwich,” Dan announced, closing his menu.

The look on Suzy’s face clearly transmitted that she thought this was a Bad Idea, but she didn’t tell him no. Brian supposed it was technically  _ his _ job to tell Dan no, and Suzy’s to sell food. “Of course, sir. I, um, assume you’ll be sharing with your friend?”

“Yeah, sure, why not?” Dan flashed a lopsided grin that made Brian want to punch all of his teeth out of his head and down his throat. “Sharing is caring.”

Their waitress forced a laugh and went to give their orders to the kitchen staff.

“So, before you even say anything, uh, or, chastise me in some other way, I do, in fact, know you could eat the whole thing in under a minute without taking your mask off.  _ However _ , where’s the fun in that?”

Brian rolled his eyes, deciding Dan would live if his stomach ruptured and might be just a fraction smarter in the future. 

“Rad-tad.” Dan smiled, flicking the curls out of his face.

The sandwich certainly looked formidable. Brian would certainly describe it as ultimate. Dan opened his mouth as wide as he could, which was impressively wide, and managed to get a small piece of crust inside. He seemed determined though, grabbing entire handfuls of bread, dunking them in the large bucket of ranch, and stuffing them in his mouth. Brian wanted to retch. 

It took Dan thirty minutes to finish the top slice of bread. He leaned back, groaning and taking several short, fast breaths, trying to hype himself up. “Fuck my ass,” he groaned loudly. “This is so much bigger than I thought it would be.”

Brian lifted the bucket of ranch dressing and Dan let out a soft whimper of pain before taking the bucket and chugging about a quarter of the ranch. 

“Fuck!” Dan whooped, wiping his ranch-covered mouth. “That’s fucking disgusting, I don’t even like ranch dressing.” Dan returned to the sandwich, stuffing an entire yam into his mouth. “Fuck me. Why did I think this was a good idea, Bri?” he grumbled around a mouthful of yam. 

Brian shrugged, crossing his legs and propping his chin up in the palms of his hands. He was just spectating, at this point.

It was actually pretty impressive to watch. Dan got halfway through the sandwich before barfing on the floor. He doubled over, heaving and retching like he was dying. 

“I’m sorry, sir, but that voids your success of the challenge.” A man who Brian assumed was the manager put a hand on Danny’s back. Brian waved a small knife under his nose. 

“If I eat it I fuckin eat it, dude,” Dan scowled, pointing at Brian’s knife. The manager backed off.

Dan launched back into the sandwich with the kind of rigor only an ex ninja could muster for eating a large sandwich for no prize other than not paying for said large sandwich. Before he was finished he puked seven times, three of them on purpose. Brian didn’t envy this place’s cleaning staff. 

Dan was puking an eighth time, in the bushes, as they left. Suzy the Waitress had given him a tiny smiley face sticker, which he had proudly affixed to the direct center of his forehead. Dan leaned against the side of the building, gasping and looking vaguely green. “Holy shit, Brian, kill me now.”

Brian drove a knife through Dan’s jugular.


	6. With an Amazing Penis (Penis!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ninja Brian breaks his vow of silence

“That was totally unnecessary, you know,” Dan whined, rubbing his rapidly healing stab wound. Brian rolled his eyes. What a drama queen.

 

Dan flopped down on one of the motel beds, taking his sticker off and affixing it to his suitcase. He took off his kimono and tried to remove his leggings without taking off his underwear. Brian picked him up and carried him to the bathroom, dropping him in the tub. He returned to the room proper and got out his phone, opening Google.

 

_ united international ninja school expulsions _

 

As far as Brian could tell, there had been two expulsions. One in the very first year of the school, where a yellow belt had set the boy’s bathroom on fire, and some chick named Leigh Avidan. She was the only Blackest Belt to ever be expelled. And no matter how hard Brian looked, he couldn’t find why she had been expelled other than “unreasonable demands and violation of code of conduct.” No specifics. Then it hit him like a sack of bricks.

 

Leigh Avidan .

 

Same last name. Same belt status, same expulsion status. Brian found a picture of Leigh, a lanky girl with thick black curls.

 

It was fucking Danny.

 

When Dan came out in fresh, non bloody clothes, Brian showed him the picture. The blood drained from Dan’s already pale face, and he started to stutter.

 

“I was gonna tell you,” he choked out finally. Brian could tell it was a lie. And, holy shit, Danny was crying. Brian didn’t know what to do. “It was just so nice not to have it looming over my head for once.”

 

Awkwardly, Brian patted his arm. He was dimly aware that it was probably not super comforting. Danny kept sobbing. Brian kept awkwardly swatting his arm.

 

Finally, Danny calmed down, the sobs reducing to a quiet stream of tears down his cheeks. He moved away from Brian and picked up his discarded clothes, shoving them in his suitcase. “I’m sorry. I’ll go. I’m really sorry I lied.”

 

What the fuck was Danny talking about? Brian grabbed his wrist, and Dan winced.

 

“Don’t!” Dan was cowering. Brian didn’t understand what was going on. This was crazy out of character for Danny.

 

Unless someone had found out before, and gotten violent.

 

The idea made Brian a little nauseous. He let Dan go, holding his hands up in surrender. Dan sat down on the edge of the motel bed, hyperventilating.

 

“You weren’t supposed to find out this way. I wanted it to be better.”

 

It was all making sense. Dan’s abrasive machismo heterosexuality? A flimsy cover for his insecurity. Those scars on his chest must have been from surgery. Brian sat on the bed beside Dan, squeezing his hand awkwardly and rubbing it. Dan leaned into him, sniffling.

 

“You’re not, like. You don’t think it’s freaky?”

 

Brian shook his head. 

 

“Why not?” 

 

Okay, that was a shift. Danny was angry now, it seemed. Brian shrugged. 

 

“You’re supposed to be fucking, fucking,  _ grossed out!  _ Everyone else is!” 

 

Brian realized there was only one way to get it through Dan’s stupid fucking skull. He hesitated, tugging at the eyeholes of his mask, pulling it up and off. Dan gasped aloud.

 

“Dude, what the shit?” Ninjas didn’t take off their masks. Dan knew that. And Brian was about to fucking blow his mind just a little more.

 

“Dan, you need to calm down,” Brian said. His voice was jacked from three years of disuse since the first time he had broken his vow of silence. This was the second. Dan looked like he might pass out.

 

“What? What the fuck?”

 

“Dan.” Brian grabbed his shoulders. “First, shut the fuck up. Second, This is a very rare occasion. I can’t seem to get my point through your thick skull non verbally. So I need you to be very quiet and listen to me, okay?” Dan nodded dumbly. “Okay. I don’t care, Dan. This actually explains a lot. I’m not going to just ditch you, or kick you out or anything. You’re still your same obnoxious self. Just… don’t worry about it, okay?” 

 

“You’re a lot older than I thought,” Dan said in lieu of a reply.

 

“We aren’t all admitted at fifteen. Do you understand me, though?”

 

“Yeah. Dan curled up, hiding his face in Brian’s chest. “I get it.”

 

“Good. Get your fucking head off me.” 

 

Dan tilted his head up to look up at Brian, a stupid little smile on his tear-streaked face.

 

“Aww, you care about me.” 

 

Brain grumbled the affirmative, already pulling his mask back on.

  
  
  
  
  



	7. Beginners ASL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aahhhhh ok so the end to this is super rushed and bad? but we wanted to put out some New Content so we could finally just move on to the next part of the fic

The road to Jersey is paved with dumb shit. As they set out the next day, trying to make a little headway, Dan burst into tears. The sudden wail from the passenger seat startled Brian so badly he almost swerved the car into the other lane. 

As he righted the vehicle, Brian turned to Dan and shot him a look he hoped would transmit  _ What the fuck?  _ straight into Dan’s skull. 

“S-sorry!” Dan shouted, his face red. 

Aw, fuck. Brian pulled over to let Dan finish with his breakdown. Dan sniffled in the passenger seat, curled up as tiny as his long limbs could get. Brian patted his arm awkwardly, waiting for him to stop crying. Dan wiped his eyes, sniffling. 

“Sorry. I’m just really emotional right now, and I’m already kind of a leaky faucet as it is.”

Brian nodded, wiping Dan’s tears with his sleeve. He looked so… vulnerable. For the first time since Brian had gotten this assignment he felt like maybe Danny actually needed protecting. 

“So, I feel like a huge pulsating pussy.” Danny laughed. Brian was pretty sure (though not entirely sure) that vaginas didn’t pulsate, but he let Danny continue. Danny owned one, after all, so he probably knew more about them than Brian. “It’s not a big deal. I’m on T, and I’ve had top surgery. I’m well on my way to becoming a Real Man. And yes, I know pre op trans men are also real men, I know. I’m using it sarcastically. But… I dunno. I got kicked out of UINS for asking to enroll in men’s classes. Not the official reason, of course. Some bullshit about unethical behavior. They don’t have to follow Title IX, but they don’t want anyone to know that.”

Brian hugged Danny, stroking his hair. Danny trembled against his chest. 

“It hurts,” Danny mumbled. “I just… wish it wasn’t like this? It’s shitty. I hate it.”

Brian didn’t know how to help, but Dan didn’t seem to mind. He crawled into Brian’s lap, chewing on his sleeves. Eventually Dan fell asleep in his lap, and Brian buckled him in back in his own seat. Dan snored softly, drooling on his own shoulder. He looked almost cute. 

Dan slept restlessly in the passenger seat, twitching and talking to himself. Brian tried to translate, but he didn’t know what language Danny was speaking, or if it was just extremely garbled English. He jolted awake suddenly when Brian stopped the car, his head hitting the roof. 

“Ahhh!” Dan rubbed the top of his head. “Fuck, holy shit.”

Brian rolled his eyes, leaning over and opening Dan’s door. They’d finally arrived, and Brian was wholly uncertain what Danny was planning from here, so he’d just stopped them at a hotel.

“Fuck, this shit is fancy. What happened to motel singles, huh?” It wasn’t fancy. It was a Days Inn. But that seemed to suit Danny’s description of “fancy.” Brian decided not to burst his bubble. “Let’s go get checked in.” Brian grabbed their bags from the backseat.

If anyone had a problem with the fact that they’d both obviously not showered in days, and were fucking filthy, no one said anything. Brian guessed their money was just as green as anyone else’s. And, though Brian would not go so far as to call it “fancy,” the room was definitely nicer than the dingy motels they’d been staying at. 

“Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian.” Danny was jumping on the bed like the overgrown toddler he was, and Brian caught himself thinking it was actually really… annoying, it was really annoying, and nothing else but annoying. He grabbed Dan’s ankle mid-jump, causing him to fall hard on his ass.

“Ah, what the fuck, dick?” Danny threw a pillow. It bounced off Brian’s arm harmlessly. “I’m gonna take a bath.”

After Danny was done making a show of stalking off to the bathroom indignantly, Brian removed his three day old clothes and mask. It was a little weird, being completely naked with another person in the next room. He’d never even taken his mask off for anyone but Dan since getting his belt. He shook the thought off and put on new pants and a new mask before going into the bathroom. 

When Dan had said “bath,” Brian had thought he’d just meant bathing in general, but no, he actually had those ridiculous spider limbs all bunched up in the little hotel tub, water running. He didn’t try to cover himself when Brian came in, apparently super comfortable about his naked body now that Brian knew. 

“Hey! I’d ask if you wanted to join me, but this little ass tub can barely fit me.” Danny waved cheerfully. “Unless you had a better idea.” He waggled his eyebrows. Brian smacked him upside the head. 

“Owww!” Danny pouted. “Colossal dickbag.” 

Brian turned on the sink, wetting a washcloth and scrubbing down his chest. His movements were quick, methodical, and efficient. Danny was having a play war with some rubber ducks, singing a song he was obviously making up as he played. He was so fucking ridiculous. Brian placed a firm hand on the top of Dan’s head, shoving him under the water. 

Danny’s long arms and legs flailed, and he struggled against Brian’s iron grip to get some air. Brian thought he was being ridiculous. It wasn’t like he could die or anything. 

After a few minutes, Brian graciously let Dan up. Dan hacked up a lungful of bathwater onto the floor. He tried to cuss Brian out and catch his breath at the same time, which frankly just sounded silly and not nearly as intimidating as Dan probably thought it did.

“Dick,” Danny gasped out, staggering to his feet and out of the tub. “What the fuck was that?”

Brian just threw him a towel, going back to cleaning himself. Danny grumbled as he dried himself off, getting louder and louder as Brian continued to ignore him. He was shouting nonsense by the time he was dry and (partially) dressed, and Brian wished he’d kept him underwater. 

“And honestly, it is so rude to just drown a guy with like, no prelude.” Danny rubbed his hair vigorously, making the curls puff up and tangle together even more than usual. He looked like an exceptionally annoyed poodle. 

Brian shrugged, scrubbing a toothbrush over his mask. Danny finally seemed to get the hint that he didn’t give a fuck, and deflated a little.

“So. You aren’t allowed to talk, because of your whole ninja thing, yeah?” 

Brian nodded. 

“Right, but you can communicate nonverbally! Like, you nodded just then.” Danny scrambled on the edge of the sink for his phone, opening it up. 

Brian peered over his shoulder, trying to figure out where he was going with this. Danny had YouTube open on his phone, a video titled ‘Beginners ASL’ on the screen. Danny grinned hopefully at him. Brian thought for a minute, then nodded, flashing Danny a thumbs up. 


End file.
